How are your holidays going? I was warned that the first holiday season after my MS diagnosis was going to be tough. I didn’t believe it. I LOVE Thanksgiving and Christmas–this is the time of year where I feel like I truly come alive. I had some apprehension going into Thanksgiving, but I was more worried about being a good houseguest and making sure that my toddler didn’t destroy everything in sight.
I did NOT anticipate having a meltdown that night before bed. I’d been dealing quite well with all things MS-related over the past few months, and I truly felt I had turned a corner regarding my diagnosis and what it meant for my day-to-day. Imagine my surprise when I spontaneously burst into tears at the end of the day. I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly set me off. I hid in the bathroom and I sobbed because I felt overwhelmed all day. I sobbed because I was afraid that I had annoyed every last one of my family members because I was trying to compensate for feeling so awful. I sobbed because I was worried I had ruined everyone’s Thanksgiving. I sobbed because I felt so scatterbrained. I sobbed because it felt like my left side was going to give out at any moment. I sobbed because my nerve pain was driving me up the wall. I sobbed because I was afraid I was a buzzkill. I sobbed because I was so tired. I sobbed because I felt like a failure. You name it, I cried about it.
Now, crying is in line with who I am–I really do cry an insane amount. (My father’s favorite tagline for me is “there will be tears”). However, I don’t normally sob with unexplained grief and abandon without any prompting.
This is the part where those who know me say, “but Danielle, you’ve had a lot on your plate this year”. Maybe so, but I was still surprised by the intensity of my emotions.
Holidays are often a time of heightened emotions for people–especially the holidays that are typically associated with family. When I think about this, I realize that grief is actually a pretty normal part of any holiday. Of course, grief looks different for everyone and for me, my grief poured out of my eyeballs. I wasn’t really crying for any of the reasons I listed above. I cried because I was simply confronted by the fact that a year ago, how I identified did not include Multiple Sclerosis and the diagnosis still holds a great deal of power over me.
I still have a tendency to push through what I’m feeling. I don’t like to let my MS make decisions for me, and it is this fact that has allowed me to resume my regular routine without much interruption. However, I have to accept that on occasion, how I go about things has to change.
It’s okay to grieve. In fact, I think it’s healthy. Grief never shows up when you expect it to; it can take a day, or weeks, or months, or 2 years. And that’s fine. I think we do a real disservice to folks when we expect them to be “strong”. What does that mean? I’m a true believer that there is strength in vulnerability. I’m being incredibly vulnerable in this space, but it’s pushing me to be a better communicator and a better advocate for myself–a lesson that I’ve needed to learn for quite a while. We’ve got this!
How have you been coping with being newly diagnosed over the holidays? For those of you who’ve been dealing with this for a little while, what are some tips and tricks that you’ve learned? I’m all ears.
Here are some things that I think will help me through the rest of the holiday season:
- Getting enough sleep–at least 8 hours a night (even if that means I have to go to bed at 7:30 pm).
- Limiting the number of activities I participate in.
- Listening to my body. My body does a wonderful job of reminding me when I need to slow down.
- Making sure that I exercise and meditate most days of the week.
- Reminding myself to have a sense of humor.
- Trusting that my family and friends are people I can lean on. They may not understand how you’re feeling, and they may become frustrated with you, but that doesn’t mean that they won’t love and support you through and through.
And last, but not least, remembering that I love the months of November and December!
In health,
Danielle
Living in Color 